Words can't express the elation my husband and I felt. We had been hoping to expand our family and I had taken 6 tests in the past week in hopes of finding out that that hope would be realized.
Fast forward 2 1/2 weeks and I began to experience light spotting. Nothing to be too concerned about, at least that's what I tried to convince myself, but after a call to the doctor, they told me they would like to see me, just as a precaution.
The ultrasound confirmed the pregnancy and we even got to see (and hear!) that precious heartbeat! Relief swept over both of us. We waited to meet with the doctor and for her to tell us it was just a fluke. I hadn't had much of an appetite, but it suddenly returned and I munched on crackers and M&M's while we waited to be called back.
When it was finally our turn, we were told that I had a hemorrhage. The pregnancy could go either way, but the fact that we had seen the baby and a healthy heartbeat was a good sign. Take it easy. Let us know if anything changes. Good luck!
Well, there went some of that relief...
But as days progressed, the spotting seemed to subside and with each day my confidence that we would greet a little one in 7 months grew.
And then it came back.
And then it stopped.
And then it came back again.
But this time it didn't stop.
I call my nurse hoping for some reassurance. That's not what I got. I need to come in. It's not as normal as I was hoping.
I'm writing this post before I go to the ultrasound. Not because the results are insignificant. They are HUGELY significant to me. I write it now, in the midst of the unknown, the uncertainty, the fear because this has been where I've been hanging out for a week and half now. And as my sweet friend, Jessalyn reminded me, the NOW matters too. I don't have the results yet. I could get fantastic news tomorrow and this post might seem irrelevent. Or it could be devastating. But that's not my reality now.
The fear is my reality.
The uncertainty is my reality.
What do I do with that?
I'm blessed, make that VERY blessed to not only have godly friends, but friends that love me and took time to call me today and speak truth into my life. God used the words of 3 women today, all well-aquainted with suffering to empathize with my fears and encourage me with the Word and the insight the Lord taught them from their own experiences.
I came away with 2 things from our conversations that I wanted to share with you:
1) The beauty of the body of Christ. I know that's a strange thing to be struck by considering my mind is so wrapped up in baby right now, but it truly has been a thought the Lord brought to mind over and over and over again to me throughout the day. I began the day a ball of nerves and am ending it with a little perspective and clarity of thought. I truly believe fellowship with other saints is one of the greatest gifts God has given us to enjoy here on earth. Today I felt FLOODED with the love of Christ. I've gotten phone calls, e-mails, facebook messages and texts from sisters in Christ letting me know they are praying for me and encouraging me with songs, Scripture, empathy and love. I know that's not everyone's experience when they're hurting and I pray that I will more fervently commit to be that type of Sister in the future so that those around me don't suffer alone.
2) Christ can relate. I am scared out of my mind. Every cramp, every drop of blood, every thought of what we might find out tomorrow sends waves of fear over me. Then the next moment I feel okay. Then it all comes rushing back. Throughout my conversations today, I was reminded of Christ's final hours before the cross.
He was afraid.
He was so stressed out he sweat drops of blood.
It's okay to be overwhelmed by this. I'm not responding in an "unspiritual" way by not having some sort of perpetual, supernatural peace.
It's okay for me to tell him I really, really, really want my baby to live and be okay. Even if I don't get it.
Jesus begged for the cup to pass. I'm going to beg too.
But Jesus showed me more. He was balanced. He desired God's glory above all else. And I do too. That doesn't mean I won't be devastated tomorrow if I find out the worst. That doesn't mean I won't need God's grace and others' help to keep that perspective if I don't get the results I was hoping for.
But as each friend spoke with me, they each encouraged me on some level that it's okay to live in the tension. It's okay to want things to be great. It's okay to pray that things would be perfect tomorrow and that God would heal my body and protect my baby. It's okay to want it so bad I can hardly stand it. But there's a tension I've been feeling. I'd love to say I know what God's will is. I'd love to say I'm confident that it's all going to be just fine. But, what if his plans aren't mine... And so I pray, "Not my will, but Yours."
Jesus, help me live in this holy tension. Help me pour out my thoughts, fears, desires to You, O God, knowing that You are "abundantly qualified to sympathize" with me. (Heb. 4:15) Father, help me to rest in You and help me to ultimately see You glorified, no matter what the circumstances. Spirit, groan those groans I can't voice right now. Amen.
P.S. This post was written several weeks ago and I am thrilled to say that the worst is behind us now. It's been a long, slow recovery, but the hemorrhage has healed and I am being allowed to slowly resume "normal" activity. Just thought I'd throw that out there so that the ambiguity with which this post ended didn't drive you nuts! :)