The end result we're going for (repentance and obedience), if and when it arrives takes up about 5 minutes of the day.
But what about the two hours it took me to get to that end result? And what if that end result doesn't happen?
I'm thankful for Christian parenting books. Super thankful. But there are more than one that make me wonder if they've ever experienced a strong-willed child. Would their methods work on my child if THEY (the author) were taking care of my child? Am I the problem? Possibly. But I kind of wonder if sin isn't the bigger problem... for both parties.
Because so much of my day is centered around discipline right now, I'm beginning to believe I'm going to teach my boys a whole lot more about the gospel in the PROCESS of disciplining them than in any other part of our day.
The problem? My flesh. I HATE holding back my temper. I hate going into his room calmly time and time again. It wears on me. And when I do a good job of remaining loving in the process, it's not uncommon for me to blow up and blow it at the end because my nerves are fried and I wonder if a little "shock-value" would do more than patient consistency. That PROCESS of discipline, that 10 minute, or hour long... that off and on all-day long opportunity to show my child the gospel fleshed out, is one of the most trying aspects of parenting I've faced to date.
I can't muster it up. I can't wake up and say, "Today I'm going to be a good mom" and pull it off. But the gospel compels me to be reminded again and again and again and infinitely again of what's been done for me. As a parent I'm commanded to discipline and do it consistently. I need to punish the offenses. But I'm not commanded to be a tyrannical drill sergeant. I'm commanded to follow the example of my Father:
-not exasperating
-slow to anger
-gracious
-abounding in love
-forgiving
-merciful
-compassionate
-patient
This does not often describe my discipline. Is it even possible? Not on my own. But through the power of the Holy Spirit, I can go against my flesh and do the very last thing I want to in the moment. I'm thinking I should plaster sticky notes of gospel verses all over my house to remind me of the attitude I should adopt in the process of discipline. (Seriously!)
My boys spend a whole lot more time watching me wade through the "process" of discipline with them than my rejoicing or weeping over the end result. My guess is, this "process" that they observe is going to have a much more profound impact on them than whether my "methods" prove "successful" in the end or not.
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You seriously must live inside my head. Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteAGREE!!!
DeleteDesire I am going through this with my middle child who is four. I am there with you feeling drained and just wishing for a day with no tantrums so I can just love on him. My other two kids are generally well behaved and this boy's attitude problems are compounded by the fact that he thinks I pick on him. He doesn't see that the other two just don't misbehave nearly as much. Sigh. I pray for strength and wisdom each morning. Thank you so much for sharing this journey and reminding me that I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteI am dealing with the very same types of issues with my 4 year old right now. I am really enjoying your posts. I keep trying to remind myself that even though the discipline doesn't seem to be changing behavior yet, he is surely learning about grace and patience in the process. We are really struggling with his angry outbursts when discipline occurs. It's a daily struggle to stay patient and not give up. Knowing that God hears my prayers keeps me going!
ReplyDeleteDesire,
ReplyDeleteI have been praying for you as I've read these posts because I can so relate to the tantrums, meltdowns, etc. The last year for us with our 4 (almost 5) year old has been a painful lesson for me in humility, pride, and my own sinfulness. Thank you for the cross Lord!
We have recently begun to see God changing his little heart bit by bit but I know that there will be many more things along the way that we'll work through. I have poured my heart out to God on so many occasions jut begging him to give me the answer, but there hasn't been a golden answer. I've been told that "children don't repeat behavior that they don't get something from" but I don't believe that is true of very strong willed children. I think the "fight" is what they want in whatever form they get it. I think their emotions maturing (learning self-control) plays a huge role. God is faithful to change my heart and to change his. As he prayed the other night "help my stone to flush" (meaning "turn my heart of stone to flesh"). All I can say is Amen.
This is so real. There were days when I thought all I did was discipline my kids. But I still carry with me what I learned about myself during that time--that I am just a few kid tantrums away from having one myself. But you wouldn't believe the grace God has worked in my kids lives, even just a few years beyond that tantrum stage. And now to look back at how hard it's been and see that God worked through it all, that my kids really do love me and have developed such a loving relationship--not perfect, but really loving--it's just such a testimony to His kindness. Don't give up, guys! It will so be worth it, and sooner than you probably think!
ReplyDeleteDesire - ug.so get you. I'm about halfway through with Gary Thomas' book, "Sacred Parenting." Have you read it? His thesis is that parenting is more about the parent than the child. I'll let you know if it's a good read when I finish it. Thanks for your honesty and for stepping on my toes a little this morning with the reminder to allow the gospel to direct my responses.
ReplyDeleteWow! I can relate to this on so many levels. Thank you for the reminders!!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom!
Kristina L.
I am so there!
ReplyDeleteI love it when I don't read an email for a few days and then I have ONE of those days and I just happen to finally check the email and there it is...just what I need to hear. Thank you. Time and Time again your words have been so encouraging to me. It makes you realize that your not alone and yes we all mess up. Keep the email's coming because I know I'm going to need them. :-)
ReplyDelete