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“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever
you do, do all to the glory of God.”
1 Corinthians 10:31
Lord,
Food. Why is it that
something our body needs and desires can be one of the most difficult aspects
of parenting a child sometimes? I am
thankful for Your creativity in designing such a wide variety of foods to bring
nourishment to our bodies, but right now I’m struggling to get one of my kids
to willingly eat anything more than hot dogs and spaghetti. He refuses most veggies, non-nuggeted chicken
and even mac ‘n cheese. But it’s more
than just about food, Lord. It’s about
his heart in all of it. It’s ugly and
defiant. We find ourselves punishing him
for his disobedience to eat (or at least try) the food prepared AND for the out
of control attitude the takes over in the midst of dinner. Like every night.
I used to be so arrogant as to think that if a parent
exposed kids to a variety of healthy food young and limited the unhealthy
stuff, they would grow to be good eaters.
We did and he’s not. So, now my
“wisdom” is all used up and I’m left with a hungry child with a heart of
stone. Research recommends having kids
trying something 20 times before deciding they don’t like it. But what if I can’t even get him to open his
mouth? (I’ve tried… You’ve seen it… it
wasn’t pretty.)
I guess since I can’t force him to eat and I can’t change
his heart, I’m going to have to turn this over to You. I’ll continue to be consistent in presenting
the foods and requiring him to eat them.
Would You please take over and begin to soften his heart? Help me to teach him that, though it’s the
last thing on earth he wants to do, it’s the right thing. But help me not to turn it into a battle of
the wills. A “you must obey” type battle
every time. Help me to be gentle and
firm. May I willingly offer him
forgiveness and point him to the Forgiver of all sins. Remind me to show him to lean on You and go
to You for his strength to obey and forgiveness.
I pray that in teaching him to give glory to You when he
eats and drinks that I would be giving glory to You in the process. So far, the process hasn’t been lovely and my
attitude hasn’t been very glorifying. That’s
going to take Your work in MY heart too.
O God, at dinner time, in discipline and in “whatever” we
do, may our family glorify You.
Amen.
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The battle over food rages on. I have a nine-year-old, and I used to use the same philosophy, if we introduce her to lots of food, she love all kinds of food. Her favorites are still cheese and bread. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteWhy can't I be this peaceful during meal times? Thanks for the reminder friend!
ReplyDeleteDesire- Melissa Deming introduced me to your blog and I am always so encouraged by your God-centered heart. Thank you for the encouragement you bring. Maybe I can be a little encouragement to you?! :) I, too, struggled in this area with our now 7 year old when he was 3-5 yrs. old. It was a battle every night, every dinner, and I just longed for a quiet, enjoyable meal with the family. While we aimed for gentle firmness- as you wrote- we knew this was a battle over the heart. We established the expectation that he would eat three bites of everything, teaching him this is an issue of respect to us (or whoever had prepared the food), gratitude to God for His provisions, among the other benefits. There were consequences if he did not comply and, no, it was not pretty, for a long, long time. Exhausting days. But, it finally clicked and he complied and now eats anything put in front of him. He may not like it, but we do not have the battles anymore. It has been one of the biggest areas of change that we have seen yet and I pray God brings the fullness of these lessons to his heart in a more profound way than eating food! I write all of this as we face a similar situation with #4, our "baby" (22 months) who is showing similar signs of pickiness! I am grateful for your reminder of the prayer we must pray as we train these little blessings- that we exhibit truth and grace in right balance! Blessings~
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you for your encouragement!
DeleteOh, wow, I am right in the midst of this with our three year old. Almost every dinner lately devolves into tears, tantrums, ploys to escape the table and time-outs. I, too, used to think if I just started my daughter early on healthy, balanced meals, she would be a good eater. Nope! Good reminder to pray about this, as I often tend to focus on my frustrations and strategies for fixing the problem myself. Thanks to the commenter above (Grounded & Rooted) as well! That's encouraging to hear.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a hard thing, and I feel sorry for you and your son.
ReplyDeleteAs a picky eater with food allergies, it's hard to eat sometimes.
When I eat something that I don't like or want, even if I made it myself, it sometimes makes me physically sick to my stomach, and even if I eat until I am full, the food doesn't fill me up.
Even if I eat a full meal of something I don't want I'm hungry a little bit later. It's like I get no nourishment from the food.
I'm 35 years old, and it just strikes my heart when you say he's ugly and defiant. As an adult, I don't think that it's being ugly or defiant if I don't like a food that someone else has prepared for me, or if someone else doesn't like a food I've prepared for them. Of course, the way we show that dislike could be ugly or defiant.
I am not trying to be mean or judgmental, but I do want to let you know that there could be something else going on, other than him not wanting to eat, or only not liking the food.
Have you talked to him about why he doesn't like or want to eat the food, or how he feels when he's forced to eat food he doesn't like.
It is hard to eat something food that you don't like, and it's even harder to eat it when people are staring at you, urging you to eat it, and you feel like you are going to vomit with every bite.
I don't think that most people have so much trouble eating foods they don't like, but I do, and I know there have to be other people out there that do too.
Have you thought about praying and asking God to change and soften your heart, and show you how He wants you to deal with situation, since you say you are going to keep doing the same thing, even though you know it is causing problems now?
Raise Healthy Eaters is a blog that has helped me deal with the issues of feeding my daughter a lot.
Hi Sarah! Thanks for your input and your sympathetic heart. And thanks for the blog recommendation too!
ReplyDeleteWe were just entering into this stage with my son (and having occasional battles) when I happened to pick up the book, "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Kevin Leman (great read by the way!). He addresses this issue in his book and basically says not to fight them on it. Just after that, our pediatrician gave similar advice. She said, "Your job is to offer healthy food choices. Their job is to decide what and how much to eat." This really freed us! We fix whatever we would normally fix, and my son decides what to eat. If he only wants to eat his bread, and is asking for more, we simply say that there is plenty of other food on his plate if he's still hungry. At that point he can choose to eat something else, or be excused. We're careful not to offer snacks just after mealtimes so that he can't fill up on preferred stuff later. Since we've let go of the issue, he actually seems to be much more willing to try new things. I think for him, it was a power issue. He was defiant. He wanted to win. Now there is no winning. This has worked well for us. It may not be right at all for your family. We all know that there is no one "right" answer for most of these parenting issues! Just thought I'd share what seems to be working for us. Whatever you choose to do, if you do it with the heart of Jesus, it will bear fruit eventually. It's so hard with kids to not see the immediate fruits of our labor, isn't it? Always nice to hear from someone like Grounded & Rooted who has been there, done that! :)
ReplyDeleteTeamboyer, This is pretty much where we're at with it too. Unfortunately, he's not quite as content most nights with not getting more of the food he does like until he's finished what's on his plate. :( And he's got a hard head like his Mommy AND Daddy (we were doomed! lol!) and he'd rather starve than eat the food prepared some nights. I'm a picky eater as well, so I can sympathize on some levels, but I was also really hard-headed about eating when I was little and have a pretty good idea what's going on in his head, I think. ;) I don't really care that he won't eat mac 'n cheese, but I think it's important for him to eat his green beans and the healthy foods. Sigh. And, hence the prayer. I, too, was so encouraged by Grounded and Rooted.
DeleteMy standard rule is that I won't fight them....but there are no seconds or dessert until firsts are done! This is also tied to the if it is on the table you have to at least try it. You don't have to like it, you just have to try it. It isn't easy and the biggest thing for me is to not get drawn into battle mode. Instead I have to stay calm and calmly ignore them. I tell them what is expected and then we finish dinner. They are not allowed to leave the table until expectations are met. Even my 2 year old understands this. They usually eat pretty fast when the other kids get "invited" to go cuddle with Daddy or watch a movie or something.
ReplyDeleteTwo tips to try that may or may not work. One, place ONLY one small bite of one food on his plate and then when/if it disappears refill it with another single bite of the same food or another food. Cut everything into small bites, including sandwiches. One of our kids didn't eat until I tried this and it worked in getting the food to disappear...a whole plate full was too much all at once. Today, that child still likes to eat in small portions, but isn't nearly as picky. Two, pick one night or more a week and allow this child to help fix the meal and then really highlight that everyone is eating what this child fixed and how good it is. It might not be as easy to pass up great food that he made himself. And I agree....let go, but be firm with no snacks or dessert...he will eventually eat if he can perceive it's not going to be a battle to win with you.
ReplyDeleteGood Golly that couldn't have come at a more convenient time. It's the stuff that my 5 year old has tried before and loved that he suddenly won't eat. I actually left the table in tears last night proclaiming that I was never cooking again. Silly I know. I guess this is a battle that we all go through and through prayer and persistence all will work out great.
ReplyDeleteOh my, I have a 6 yr old (almost 7), that has been the PICKIEST child I have ever known...our youngest of 3. I was an extremely picky child who was forced to eat till I puked, and I am truly against that. But yes, like yours, I can't even get mine to open his mouth. He has an extreme aversion to anything he doesn't know or has already tried. He won't even eat things most kids love, like pickles...he won't even try them. I sneak good things into the things he loves, give him vitamins, and pray he one day out grows this. Because of how I grew up, and what was done to me as a child with food, I don't want there to be a battle between us and him over food. Even if it means I make different versions of pizza, and lots of noodles and spaghetti. It'll be okay!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to share my 3.5 year old was like this and the more I prompted the more he wouldn't eat. SO I let go and I tried to find some healthy things he would eat after awhile he started eating. The closer he gets to 4 the better he gets at it. I think it also helps to tell them what the food does for them. Like this is good for your body or bones ot eyes. He always asks me now "is this good for my body?" I also told him no sweets or snacks unless he eats his lunch (not all just some of something). That does seem to work to. I tell him it is your choice if you get a treat or not....by eating your meals. So try making cookies tell them they are for after dinner tonight and only if they eat a little of everything of their breakfast, lunch and dinner. stick to your guns if they don't eat. Make sure you eat one if you ate your dinner. :) These are just thoughts....I realize you didn't ask for suggestions. I think and hope it gets better as they get older. :0) Prayers for you and your kiddos.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have decided that we won't have food wars with our kids. They eat a fairly decent variety of foods and we are grateful for that. When they turn their noses up at a food item, I remember that there are foods I don't like and I would be enraged at someone forcing me to eat it against my will. I do expect them to taste something before they decide they don't like it. If they don't end up eating much, I don't make them anything else. However, they can have a bowl of plain Cheerios before bed. It definitely isn't a reward because it is bland, but I feel good knowing their tummies got good nourishment. I feel we show respect to their individual tastes, which in turn allows them to respect us. It is a two -way street.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up, I always was forced to eat the food prepared for me. Normally it wasn't anything strange or odd-tasting. Normal things like pork chops and mashed potatoes and green beans. I resisted at times, but mostly did as I was told. In high school, an eating disorder developed and this was a place where I felt the most need to "gain control" because I was always being told what I "should" eat and what I "should" like. As a recovered anorexic, I've had to go the long journey of figuring out what my body wants, when I'm full, when I do or don't like something, and allow myself to enjoy food, being thankful to the Lord for it instead of someone trying for force it down my throat (through threats of punishment, manipulation, etc.) As I'm beginning on this journey (with three littles- 4 1/2, 3, and 18 months), I'm trying to create an inviting and exploratory time around meals where it can be a time of nourishment, relaxation, and thankfulness. Not one of fighting wills and stress and where the kids are geared up for a power struggle before it even starts. It's hard some nights, lol. All families are different and have different expectations of course, but I'm encouraged my your handing it over to the Lord-- we can't make our kids eat or sleep. Those are things they have to choose and God can help transform their hearts in that. I do think there are some areas where firm guidance must be given as they begin to explore boundaries and begin to develop a sense of self. But perhaps food is one to tread carefully as the trend of eating disorders (undereating and overeating) are on the rise.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post and raising a conversation!
Play eat grow....Thanks for posting it gave me something to think about regarding getting my children to eat.
ReplyDeleteDesire, thank you so much for this post. I have a 5yo and a 2yo, and it's a struggle for us as well, meal time. Like you I used to think that by exposing them to healthy food, we'd train them, but hasn't worked out that way for us too. Thank you so much for the encouragement, and I shall keep Luke 12:25-26 in mind too, and leave it up to God and not worry about it.
ReplyDeleteI've learned a lot from the comments too :)
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